Pre Natal Class...Amped Up "Kayak Style"

Okay, so I learned a lot from our pre-natal class, but NOTHING prepared us for the reality of caring for twins.  I have decided that pre-natal classes are lacking in education and information, so I've compiled a syllabus of the types of courses I would offer if I were a pre-natal coach.  Yes, the teacher in me is still alive and kicking.
Who wants in?

Advanced Sleeper Buttoning
Learn to button sleepers without missing a snap and having to redo the entire thing.
Special evening class includes sleep deprivation training followed by advanced techniques in sleeper buttoning in the dark.
Prerequisite: Introduction To Dressing Squirmy Babies

Immobilization Techniques 101

Don't wrestle with your babies whilst trying to change or diaper them.  Learn our tried and true immobilization techniques.  Special guest lecturer Constable Hold M. Down from the police task force will prepare participants using department tactics.
Prerequisite: Advanced Self Defense


Comprehensive Shampoo Rinsing
Learn trusted techniques for rinsing shampoo out of a baby's hair without stinging their eyes and making them cry.  Also, without drowning them.
Prerequisite: Techniques in Baby Bathing

Comprehensive Lean and Lay
Learn how to successfully place your baby in a crib without throwing your back out or dropping your baby on the crib mattress.
Prerequisite: Advanced Baby Rocking and Swaying


GPS Navigation For Missing Soothers
Learn how to locate lost soothers without needless crying and frustration.
Prerequisite: Customizing Soothers For Advanced Navigation

Advanced Distraction Techniques
Learn how to successfully use distraction techniques to open and close the fridge, dishwasher and oven without hurting your child. 
Prerequisite: Musical Distraction 101


Advanced Twin Navigation With One Seater Shopping Carts
Learn how to safely direct two shopping carts with a baby in each without crashing, hitting other patrons and in an efficient manner.  Field trip to Wal*Mart on Christmas Eve is mandatory.
Prerequisite:  Grocery Shopping 101

Warp Speed Showering Techniques
Adventurous and time sensitive techniques to continue your hygiene regimen and retain friends whilst parenting babies.  Medical clearance from your doctor is mandatory.
Prerequisite: First Aid and CPR

Communications and Decoding
Stave off mind-numbing jargon while learning to communicate with your child and decode baby talk.  Focus will be on the meaning behind the words "Dadun", "Ah-goo", and "Pfffft" in relation to everyday activities.  Special topics include learning "more" in Sign Language and what to do when your child finally and feverishly signs "more", but you have no clue as to what he/she wants more of.
Prerequisite: Baby Talk 101

Psychopediatric Best Practices
Learn advanced training techniques for child's inadvertent and expected falls, bumps and bruises.  "You're Okay!!", "Danger!" and "Freeze!" will make up a portion of the learning techniques.  Emphasis on refraining from screaming, "AH!  You're going to DIE if you touch that!!!!!" will be a focus for this course.
Prerequisite: None

Headlock Techniques For Dental Care
Fitness test required.  Students will learn maneuvers to successfully brush their child's teeth with limited movement from said child.  Students will have the opportunity to practice on one another.  Spitting is not permitted.
Prerequisite: Immobilization Techniques 101 (with completed certificate from Constable Hold M. Down).

Poop Explosion Management
Students will be required to purchase a "Poop Explosion" kit at the beginning of the term and will be responsible for bringing it to each class.  Sudden, unexpected Poop Explosions will be detonated within at least three classes and participants must use their kits to manage the explosion.  Students are required to purchase masks, gloves, and matches on their own.
Prerequisite: Diapering 101