Caring Enough To Be Involved

I spent the first 10+ years of my teaching career in the intermediate grades and primarily with grade eight students. Every Monday morning, we would spent quite a bit of time chatting about our weekends - what we did, who we spent time with, and anything interesting that happened along the way. It was a great opportunity for me to foster a relationship with the students, as I told them about my weekends as well. It was a great way to begin our weeks together.

On this one particular Monday, one of the students (a fairly popular kid notorious for his freedom - we'll call him K.) talked about a party he attended on Friday night. The ears of the other students in the class practically bent toward him as though his words were magnetic. Clearly, the other students were envious. This kid had no curfew, his parents were okay with him being around older kids they didn't know, and he was given money every day so that he could go to the plaza and buy whatever lunch he wished. Ensued was a discussion (more of a complaint session) about who had the worst curfew/worst PIU - Parental Interference Unit, and who were so completely controlled by their parents that freedom was only to be experienced vicariously though others.

When the discussion wound down, I asked the kids to continue to write about their weekends in their journals. For the next 15 minutes, they wrote. That night, I pulled out all of the journals and finally came to K's journal. I will paraphrase what he wrote as I cannot remember everything he said word for word, but the gist of it was this:

I know the class is jealous of my life and the freedom I have. But I'm jealous of them. I wish I had parents who cared enough about me to give me a curfew. I wish I had parents who cared enough about me to know who my friends were. I wish my parents cared enough to take the time to make me a lunch every day instead of giving me cash to go to a pizza place every day. I wish my parents cared enough.

Kids ache for structure and limits.  They require it for health (both mental and physical health).  They want to know that there are expectations for them and they want to know that there a consequences for those times (and there will be times) when those limits have been stretched.  It is their job to push the limits and it is our job to empower them by keeping communication open and allowing them to test the waters with our guidance.  If they can't handle the push and their safety is at risk, then it is our job as parents to pull them back a little.  They will hate us for "interfering" in their social lives now, but they will thank us later. 

Know their friends, their friends' parents, know where they are and have them call you to let you know they are safe.  They will hate this.  But, in the backs of their minds, they will be aware that there are people thinking about them at all times and have an investment in their safety that no one else can possibly understand.