The date is set.
Six weeks.
How does a mother hand her baby over to a doctor on the day of surgery?
How do we begin the process of letting go of what he looks like now?
I love his deep blue eyes and how I feel when he looks at me.
He is the most beautiful boy I have ever seen in my life. In. My. Life.
And he's mine.
My love for him is fierce, dangerous and overwhelming.
I don't want him to hurt.
Giving Jazzie to our ENT when she had her first cochlear implant surgery at 16 months was one of the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt helpless and scared. There is nothing I can say that will take any of those feelings away from you. I know it's hard. Damn hard.
ReplyDelete(((Big Hugs)))
When we handed Rosie over, well actually we accompanied her all the way to theatre and placed her on the table ourselves, I have never had such a huge lump in my throat. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done and the most frightening.
ReplyDeleteIt does help if you can meet the surgeon beforehand and feel confident with him. We were able to meet the whole cardiac team and I knew deep in my heart that we couldn't have better care for Rosie.
It won't be easy, it doesn't matter how hard you try..a piece of your heart is outside of your body and nothing makes that feel better.
He WILL be fine, Am sending a hug to you and your hubby.
Wow - I have no words of wisdom. I've never been there. But I will pray for strength and peace for all four of you.
ReplyDeletek
I don't have answers for you. I wish I did...
ReplyDeleteIt will be hard, but you will do it. You will love him and he will feel that. He will still look like himself and when he comes out of it on the other side you will know that you made the right decision for him.
ReplyDeleteHe's SOOOOO lucky to have you.
Gulp!
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be hard, really hard, but I guess you just have to have faith that things will turn out just fine. (Now that sounds all calm and rational, but when I saw them knock Ree out on that operating table I lost it. Hugely. Everything did turn out perfectly, but that was one damn huge leap of faith for a mama's heart to take.)
It really is so very hard, when Leah had her surgery in the summer I had all the same fears. The waiting is the hardest part for sure but once they are out and you can be beside them things are fine. I just kept telling myself this has to be done, it's for the best in the long term and she won't even remember being in the hospital.
ReplyDeletehardest thing i've ever done was let them wheel him away but i had to have faith - in God, in the surgeon, in the nurses, in Max's recovery, and in my decision. i took a walk instead of sitting in the hospital. i needed to move. you can do it for him.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and Pea.
ReplyDeleteNo words can take away that fear and pain and sadness. You will be there the moment his beautiful eyes flutter open. You are going to find the strength. I am always here for you.
ReplyDeleteKeep smilin!
My friend handed her 7 month over to have his entire front part of his skull (forehead) reshaped. He was born with...oh I cannot remember the name at the moment. They had to re-fuse the two bones in the centre of his forehand, reshape the sides of his skull, reconstruct his ears...he looked like he had a black eye under one eye for months. But he went home after days in surgery and doing fine. Nearly 11 hours of surgery. What did my friend do? Became fully informed (for her that means NOT using the internet to gather information but talking to other parents at the hospital and the doctors) She cried the day of the surgery but only a little, she let him go, held her husbands hand and thanked God for the blessings of having this opportunity. The grandparents were at the hospital and they prayed together every hour. He looks very different today, nearly 7 months later but is the same little love he was before. Take heart and keep your faith alive. I send you and your family, especially Pea comfort and love.
ReplyDeleteOh, K1, I so get what you are saying! When Belle was sick and they had to do all those tests and she couldn't even raise her head. I think a part of me died. I really do. But sometimes we have to let go of them, for their good. And then we stand back and cry. And fret. And pray. And then they are okay and it is so much better. The day of his surgery, know that my head will be bent in pray for your baby boy.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs Mama! You are doing the right thing and Pea will thank you for it someday, and be thankful you did it now before he will remember it much.
ReplyDeleteChildren have an AMAZING capacity to heal and bounce back - take comfort in that.
When Sea Monkey had to have double hernia surgery at 2 months old I was just in shock about the whole thing. It felt like a dream, but before we knew it he was in my arms and so much more comfortable going forward. He practically healed instantaneously and didn't even need Tylenol the night of his surgery.
Keep your faith and lean on your friends until this is all over and but a distant memory.