Not Okay

K2 and I have perfected the art of pretending. Well, maybe not "perfected", but pretty darn close. The pretending, though, has become increasingly difficult and extremely draining. We are not okay and the concept of what is "normal" is elusive to us right now. I keep looking at my last post, at the pictures of us smiling and laughing and I can't believe that we pulled that off.

I don't even know how to begin.

Some time ago, we found ourselves pregnant. November proved to be a difficult and painful month of ups and downs relevant to keeping the babies alive. Babies. Twins.

One week, we felt elation at the prospect of bringing these lives into existence in July and the next week, we were stifled by doubt and worry that they would not make it. The entire month was like this and the heartbreak/elation roller coaster was so exhausting.

Our first ultrasound showed the faintest of cardiac contractions; our worst nightmare. We either wanted to hear strength or nothing. To hear that death was immanent was more than we thought we could bear. A week later, another ultrasound showed that there were no heartbeats whatsoever. Death. Failure. Our doctor did not want to give up and wanted us to wait for another ultrasound to be sure. Certainty, however, came the following day.

On Thursday of last week, in my eighth week of pregnancy, there was no doubt that these babies were not viable. The night was spent in excruciating pain and in an emotional vacuum. I had never experienced a miscarriage, much less the miscarriage of two embryos and my fear was palpable. Even as the blood and cramps were gripping me, I was in disbelief. It was like I was outside of my body and it was no longer a part of me.

It is Monday and I still don't feel normal. I suspect that we have to figure out a new normal for our lives, but I don't know how to go about doing that yet. I struggle with pretending that I am fine (that word, "fine" is brutal) and with trying to be "normal" and not show that I am grieving. I don't want to make others uncomfortable with my grief or make others think that I can't handle this.

The truth is, I am tired and I am sad beyond measure. How long will this last? My body is having difficulty with this "natural miscarriage" (what an oxymoron) and the pain is lasting longer than I expected. When will I feel like myself again? When will I be able to enjoy my friends and family without feeling like I have to be someone I am not?

I am scared. I am scared to hit "publish", scared to put this out there and scared that I won't be able to move past this. I am scared that people will think that I am weak, that I should be able to let this go, that after five days of grief, I should not still be crying.

But I am.