Breathing...still

So, I keep wondering if I should be writing. On the one hand, it is very cathartic to write and to get it all out. On the other hand, there is the risk of exposing too much or of having people think I am focusing too much on the bad stuff. Do I worry about what other people think of me generally? Not so much. Do I care of some people think that I have lost perspective? Not so much. If people don't want to read authentic writing (that is sometimes steeped in loss), then there are plenty of other blogs out there that wreak of peaches and roses and people are completely free to unsubscribe from me and head over there.

Still here?

Interesting.

A huge thank you to those of you I know and to those of you who came out of lurkdom to comment on my last post. I thought about turning comments off for that one, but chose to welcome the support instead and I am glad that I did.

I went back to work yesterday after being off for the last week and it was hard. I teach in a portable and the nearest washroom is quite far away. I cannot leave my students for any reason and, as such, I worried about spastic hormonal crying episodes, sudden onset of mind-numbing cramping, and bleeding through every layer of clothing I wore. Luckily, none of those things happened in front of my students and I only had one crying episode and that happened during the twenty minutes I spent in the washroom trying to compose myself (on my lunch).

I did bark at one of my students who, upon seeing me for the first time in five days, did not say, "Good morning, Ms. Awesome Teacher Who Is Always So Good To Us, welcome back!", but who instead blasted into me about how much he hated the supply teacher. It was the first time I lost my temper this semester and told him how utterly disappointed I was that after five days, I did not warrant enough respect to be given a simple, "Good Morning, glad to see you're back". I know he is only 17, but it bothered me in that moment.

I bought flowers for my flower garden on the way home from work tonight. A step toward life, I think. I will try to keep them alive.

We dismantled the crib. Okay, so K2 dismantled it before I got home from work yesterday, but the decision was mine. We assembled that crib back in 2006 when referrals were slated to come between 6-9 months after LID. Who are we kidding now? Time to dismantle and re-evaluate later. We both cannot bear walking by that room any longer and we will slowly devolve it back to the guest room it was before 2006.

In the midst of all of this, we are updating our home study (five months overdue) with heavy hearts for what is happening in our daughter's country this instant. Thoughts of all of those children who have died makes my heart hurt even more.

This is a little all over the place. Bear with me.